Yes, you read that right. I’m getting a jump on things and letting go of 2017. I’m so tired of feeling behind on everything that I thought I’d just go ahead and cut to the chase. So I’m already letting go of everything that is not going to serve me in 2017. Rather than setting a bunch of goals that cause me stress and make me feel frustrated and inadequate, I’m just surrendering to the reality of my situation as a working mother and wannabe entrepreneur. I’m letting go of the guilt that I haven’t done enough or that I’m somehow just not enough. I’m releasing the new year from the clutches of my grand expectations. Because I’m too busy chasing this baby to be chasing my dreams right now. There was a time when she was my dream, and I might as well just enjoy her.
They say that first year is so fleeting. And you’d think that I would know, having gone through it before. I can tell you without a doubt that the first year with your second goes even faster than the first year with your first. There is just so much happening in our full family life. And so much laundry.
I have wanted to get back to this blog ever since I left it 3 years ago (almost exactly 3 years ago). I have written several posts that will never be published including 3 versions of the story of why I lost my blogging steam (it had a lot to do with planning an intercontinental move). And why I left my “career”… I got really distracted.
But there’s nothing like having a baby to bring you back to what you’re really meant to be doing.
I am behind on my blog ideas. The end of January is fast approaching which means that I need to write about my 30 days off of chocolate and my sister’s birthday. Writing about her is going to be hard enough, and since I’m not eating chocolate, I won’t have any false energy leftover to write about not eating it. So, I’m just going to write about both right here.
Sometime I will write about my sister’s death. But not now. It is her birthday, so I’m going to write about her life. Her life was about breaking the rules. Her default state was defiance. Now, if you’re an under-resourced, frustrated authoritarian parent who is lacking in useful information on parenting, and who was abused and/or neglected yourself, you’re going to think that your child is doing this to manipulate you or that they want control or maybe even that they are just bad. My sister was stealing by the age of five and setting fires by the age of six. She was a compulsive liar. She became a drug addict as an adult. But she wasn’t bad. And the only reason she was trying to “manipulate” everybody was because she didn’t know what she really needed let alone how to get it. She needed love.